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RECLAIMING BALANCE WITH EACH OTHER
As roles of a relationship are developing there may be a some confusion between what is a relationship norm and what is unhealthy. Susan Campbell, PhD describes relationship norms in terms of stages. (Dec, 2012) There is a stage she calls the power and control stage. It is the stage as described by Dr. Campbell where two people are trying to discover how they fit with one another. The process of understanding one's needs in the relationship can make it easier to communicate those needs to your partner. From this perspective, it comes down to is he understanding your needs and are you understanding his? Equally are you willing to satisfy each other's needs after understanding them. If your conclusion is that he/she is trying to control you, take away your importance, devalue you as a person, maybe what you are experiencing is more of a deficit in skills to understand one another than a marker for the relationship being unhealthy. Let's look closer at this perspective. Mixed messages, miscommunication, and preconceived ideas about what a relationship is can distort the ability of the relationship to develop.
Being two quality people but frustrated about the quality of your interactions may suggest that more attention could be given to your interactions. Do you both feel like priority? Do you give each other any stock (opportunity to contribute) in how you present yourselves? Little shifts in inclusive behavior can have marked differences in perceived satisfaction in a relationship. Where does the relationship find balance? The Happy Marriage Pact is focused on helping couples find that quality and balance.
Reconnecting Beyond Frailty
If a person feels insecure in their relationship or begins to show signs of being disconnected from it, what are the deficiencies(challenges) that can be actively worked on to restore or balance the relationship so that they do feel empowered in it? If a person spends much time discrediting their partner then it may take an equal amount of time to rebuild that trust their partner has for them. The quality of your relationship is influenced by the choices you make in it. The right to "be your own person" is not always cohesive with your partner being confident enough in you for you to express yourself the way you may want too. Even if they were, there are boundaries to respect and there should be levels of conscious attentiveness to what each is doing separately and how their independent actions can affect the relationship. The Happy Marriage Pact is not just about how to be a happier person, it is also about how to build a more satisfying relationship.
Dealing with Insecurity...Where to Begin...
Where to start is a governing question that may discourage one's confidence in their ability to salvage what already seems broken beyond repair. However, I believe their is hope for even the extremely compromised relationship if both parties are willing to try.
Here's how I would say to begin.
1. Start where you are and build your trust by demonstrating a shift in your thinking to consider him/her.
2. Build your core relationship from that WEAK fragile place he/she is in through the following suggestions:
If their insecurity is undermining your ability to function in work, family, finances, church etc then perhaps there are other issues that can be addressed through counseling. But it is healthy for each person to have expectations in their relationship and influence within it to some extent. Where some people miss the boat is they go overboard or they are not involved enough thereby conditioning the environment of the relationship's experiences. Strengthening a relationship has marked behaviors that compliment it's development. Weakening a relationship equally reflects behaviors that undermine the quality of it. Learning to be aware of your partner's needs and satisfying them are part of skills taught within the Happy Marriage Pact's groups, bootcamps and classes.
When it's more extreme than a relationship norm...
Unhealthy relationships have distinguishing characteristics from healthy relationship norms and expectations.
In emotional abuse one may see the following:
Healthy relationship norms however may still struggle through things that look similar but are not indicators of a unhealthy relationship in and of themselves. Here are some awkward transitions that may occur as the relationship develops:
All of these growing pains may show up in an abusive relationship, however in relationship norming, the awkward transitions become apparent through a period of learning how to be natural, accepting, and inclusive. There may be many opportunities for adjustment and negotiation as these norms are defined. One may also begin to realize that a disagreement does not mean incompatibility or is an indicator for the termination of a relationship. Awkward transitions are likely to be seen in establishing norms more so than demands or ultimatums. Relationship norming behaviors are not conveyed to the extreme found in an abusive relationship but can be stressful. The Happy Marriage Pact is about helping couples to get past those stressful transitions and into understanding and supporting one another.
Where is your normal?
A relationship is a process and needs to have interaction and feedback of both people to be developed. One person accusing the other of emotional abuse because their feelings are viewed as imposing on the others "right to be me" hardly fits into the same category as abusive. A relationship IS give and take, shares power, and demonstrates preference in choice for the partner. Relationships are not a winner takes all social exercise. The Happy Marriage Pact offers a place where one's relationship can be empowered and supporting healthy interactions and fun activities at the same time.
What is your normal?
Here are some questions to reflect on...
What were you agreeing to when you got into the relationship? Does your experiences match relationship norms or abusive outliers?
If you find that your man is not abusive afterall, then understand where your man is at regarding his needs and build from that place.
Finally work on your relationship for the sake of like not for the sake of love. Do you like each other? Anybody that parks in your parking lot all the time you will eventually not like.
Put your concerns on the table. Be willing to talk about the small violations and negotiate for mutually acceptable outcomes.
Hope this helps you to build your relationship into one of quality love understanding and value.
If you would like to work on exploring your relationship through the Happy Marriage Pact events, groups, classes, or bootcamps you can start today. Call (405)748-0091.
By Calvin Smith
© Calvin Smith, 2017
Being two quality people but frustrated about the quality of your interactions may suggest that more attention could be given to your interactions. Do you both feel like priority? Do you give each other any stock (opportunity to contribute) in how you present yourselves? Little shifts in inclusive behavior can have marked differences in perceived satisfaction in a relationship. Where does the relationship find balance? The Happy Marriage Pact is focused on helping couples find that quality and balance.
Reconnecting Beyond Frailty
If a person feels insecure in their relationship or begins to show signs of being disconnected from it, what are the deficiencies(challenges) that can be actively worked on to restore or balance the relationship so that they do feel empowered in it? If a person spends much time discrediting their partner then it may take an equal amount of time to rebuild that trust their partner has for them. The quality of your relationship is influenced by the choices you make in it. The right to "be your own person" is not always cohesive with your partner being confident enough in you for you to express yourself the way you may want too. Even if they were, there are boundaries to respect and there should be levels of conscious attentiveness to what each is doing separately and how their independent actions can affect the relationship. The Happy Marriage Pact is not just about how to be a happier person, it is also about how to build a more satisfying relationship.
Dealing with Insecurity...Where to Begin...
Where to start is a governing question that may discourage one's confidence in their ability to salvage what already seems broken beyond repair. However, I believe their is hope for even the extremely compromised relationship if both parties are willing to try.
Here's how I would say to begin.
1. Start where you are and build your trust by demonstrating a shift in your thinking to consider him/her.
2. Build your core relationship from that WEAK fragile place he/she is in through the following suggestions:
- Acceptance that your partner is not where you think they should be (see my article on equally yoked),
- Apply reassurance liberally as needed
- Give your partner place in your decisions,
- Value their thoughts.
- Show your partner has stock in your life through inclusion.
If their insecurity is undermining your ability to function in work, family, finances, church etc then perhaps there are other issues that can be addressed through counseling. But it is healthy for each person to have expectations in their relationship and influence within it to some extent. Where some people miss the boat is they go overboard or they are not involved enough thereby conditioning the environment of the relationship's experiences. Strengthening a relationship has marked behaviors that compliment it's development. Weakening a relationship equally reflects behaviors that undermine the quality of it. Learning to be aware of your partner's needs and satisfying them are part of skills taught within the Happy Marriage Pact's groups, bootcamps and classes.
When it's more extreme than a relationship norm...
Unhealthy relationships have distinguishing characteristics from healthy relationship norms and expectations.
In emotional abuse one may see the following:
- Name calling
- Belittling statements
- Making promises then renigging on them
- Punishing scenarios to demonstrate disapproval
- Hitting
- Threats
Healthy relationship norms however may still struggle through things that look similar but are not indicators of a unhealthy relationship in and of themselves. Here are some awkward transitions that may occur as the relationship develops:
- Being standoffish
- Avoidant of intimacy
- Overly submissive
- Self Conscious - Self monitoring
- Emotional (Frustrated, angry, insecure, etc...)
- Lack of inclusion when speaking about a partner (due to feelings of alienation, deficiencies in communication, and prior failed connection attempts)
- Developing a support system outside of their partner because of the above stated reasons.
- Lack of confidence in predicting partner's behaviors
All of these growing pains may show up in an abusive relationship, however in relationship norming, the awkward transitions become apparent through a period of learning how to be natural, accepting, and inclusive. There may be many opportunities for adjustment and negotiation as these norms are defined. One may also begin to realize that a disagreement does not mean incompatibility or is an indicator for the termination of a relationship. Awkward transitions are likely to be seen in establishing norms more so than demands or ultimatums. Relationship norming behaviors are not conveyed to the extreme found in an abusive relationship but can be stressful. The Happy Marriage Pact is about helping couples to get past those stressful transitions and into understanding and supporting one another.
Where is your normal?
A relationship is a process and needs to have interaction and feedback of both people to be developed. One person accusing the other of emotional abuse because their feelings are viewed as imposing on the others "right to be me" hardly fits into the same category as abusive. A relationship IS give and take, shares power, and demonstrates preference in choice for the partner. Relationships are not a winner takes all social exercise. The Happy Marriage Pact offers a place where one's relationship can be empowered and supporting healthy interactions and fun activities at the same time.
What is your normal?
Here are some questions to reflect on...
What were you agreeing to when you got into the relationship? Does your experiences match relationship norms or abusive outliers?
If you find that your man is not abusive afterall, then understand where your man is at regarding his needs and build from that place.
Finally work on your relationship for the sake of like not for the sake of love. Do you like each other? Anybody that parks in your parking lot all the time you will eventually not like.
Put your concerns on the table. Be willing to talk about the small violations and negotiate for mutually acceptable outcomes.
Hope this helps you to build your relationship into one of quality love understanding and value.
If you would like to work on exploring your relationship through the Happy Marriage Pact events, groups, classes, or bootcamps you can start today. Call (405)748-0091.
By Calvin Smith
© Calvin Smith, 2017
Calvin Smith, MA, LPC is an ordained christian counselor and a licensed professional counselor.
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