A Discussion about affairs..."If you love her so much, why are you with me?"
A Discussion About Affairs:
If you love her so much, Why are you with me?
So first question is...how does a person get there? A person justifies having the affair. Maybe intentionally or un intentionally. The discouragement or disappointment of not knowing how to satisfy their need or connect results in a pursuit of attempting to get that need met in an alternative way. Sometimes blinded by the discomfort of this disconnect.
This is not a fun topic. Those who have struggled with having an affair know this. But let’s attempt to look closer at the mechanics of the disconnects’ process. In Psychology there is a term called Triangulation “. It’s where you substitute one thing for the main thing. Manipulatively. For the sake of this discussion the replacement that is pursued is unhealthy. It is an unhealthy coping skill. To be more specific...
Triangulation is a strategy that emotionally unstable people can use to manipulate a situation. It is an unhealthy tactic and can generate toxicity and additional negativity in relationships. It can become a chronic process for individuals who are inclined to be manipulative in order to get their way or pit people against one another. It can be an attempt for people to try and control a situation and seek benefit from it. (E-counseling article)
How does a person that’s smart, grounded, otherwise healthy choose an unhealthy approach to resolving an issue like this? In one instance (maybe not in all instances) it happens through a bombardment of feelings such as helplessness, hopelessness, discouragement and disappointment. This unhealthy choice is further supported by a lack of self awareness, ignorance, and short-sightedness that ultimately leads to the unhealthy choice. For lack of a better term I’d like to call this, confused acceptance.
If you love her so much, Why are you with me?
So first question is...how does a person get there? A person justifies having the affair. Maybe intentionally or un intentionally. The discouragement or disappointment of not knowing how to satisfy their need or connect results in a pursuit of attempting to get that need met in an alternative way. Sometimes blinded by the discomfort of this disconnect.
This is not a fun topic. Those who have struggled with having an affair know this. But let’s attempt to look closer at the mechanics of the disconnects’ process. In Psychology there is a term called Triangulation “. It’s where you substitute one thing for the main thing. Manipulatively. For the sake of this discussion the replacement that is pursued is unhealthy. It is an unhealthy coping skill. To be more specific...
Triangulation is a strategy that emotionally unstable people can use to manipulate a situation. It is an unhealthy tactic and can generate toxicity and additional negativity in relationships. It can become a chronic process for individuals who are inclined to be manipulative in order to get their way or pit people against one another. It can be an attempt for people to try and control a situation and seek benefit from it. (E-counseling article)
How does a person that’s smart, grounded, otherwise healthy choose an unhealthy approach to resolving an issue like this? In one instance (maybe not in all instances) it happens through a bombardment of feelings such as helplessness, hopelessness, discouragement and disappointment. This unhealthy choice is further supported by a lack of self awareness, ignorance, and short-sightedness that ultimately leads to the unhealthy choice. For lack of a better term I’d like to call this, confused acceptance.
Confused acceptance. It’s when you try to put someone or something else in the place of what you really want. Torn between two people but your heart really belongs to one person the whole time. Masking
frustrations with bad decisions that create more confusion in others instead of confronting the deficits that create the problems in the first place.
"If you love her, why are you with me?"... Probably poor insight into how to resolve the challenges at home. But the other piece to this equation is the person that allows themselves to get wrapped up in the complexities of the back and forth relationship. A person possibly challenged by their own self esteem, skills deficits, or compromises creating the window for a diminished ability to choose a suitable long-term partner. The three roles observed in this triangulation are The victim, The Persecutor, The Rescuer....and just like that...instant confusion.
But triangulation doesn't discriminate. But women can have the same problem, can’t they...
frustrations with bad decisions that create more confusion in others instead of confronting the deficits that create the problems in the first place.
"If you love her, why are you with me?"... Probably poor insight into how to resolve the challenges at home. But the other piece to this equation is the person that allows themselves to get wrapped up in the complexities of the back and forth relationship. A person possibly challenged by their own self esteem, skills deficits, or compromises creating the window for a diminished ability to choose a suitable long-term partner. The three roles observed in this triangulation are The victim, The Persecutor, The Rescuer....and just like that...instant confusion.
But triangulation doesn't discriminate. But women can have the same problem, can’t they...
Begin the process of healing.
How does the problem resolve itself? It doesn’t. Sometimes it takes a strong epiphany to change a perspective which leads to the changes in behavior. Education and training are tools for shifting unhealthy perspectives. But also counseling can powerfully energize this process by processing emotions stifled by the overwhelming bewilderment of not knowing what to do next.
An affair can be as numbing as the crutch of drinking to “drink your problems away”. Only to realize the hangover that manifests once the drinking has stopped.... the revelation is that the affair didn’t resolve anything. The lack of skills you had before the affair, you still have. A call for maturity and a more effective way of handling your life is still necessary. Here are some steps that I believe can work towards identifying your inner conflicts that perpetuate the unhealthy coping mechanisms that support affairs.
How does the problem resolve itself? It doesn’t. Sometimes it takes a strong epiphany to change a perspective which leads to the changes in behavior. Education and training are tools for shifting unhealthy perspectives. But also counseling can powerfully energize this process by processing emotions stifled by the overwhelming bewilderment of not knowing what to do next.
An affair can be as numbing as the crutch of drinking to “drink your problems away”. Only to realize the hangover that manifests once the drinking has stopped.... the revelation is that the affair didn’t resolve anything. The lack of skills you had before the affair, you still have. A call for maturity and a more effective way of handling your life is still necessary. Here are some steps that I believe can work towards identifying your inner conflicts that perpetuate the unhealthy coping mechanisms that support affairs.
Beginning the Healing Process
1. Face Yourself
Face yourself. Own the struggle being honest with yourself. Facing oneself hurts sometimes but NOT facing those same hurts, ignorance, deficits can be like being inside of a wet paper bag and trying to punch your way out. If you really want change, be the change. Starting with you. Take on the responsibility of change and move towards understanding yourself and your part in creating the connecting relationship. Understanding how to be the change that creates the world that YOU really want to experience is worth the effort.
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